Choking the Chicken

Or at least slapping it good.

Brought to you by PEPSI.
Well, not really... you'll see.

I'm not a soda drinker and although I sometimes felt cheated as a kid, now I'm thankful for it. Other than the very occasional batch brewed soda or root beer float, I just don't care for the stuff. Weird? Some people think so.


When I was in college I remember taking a trip to the local Pizzahut with some friends. It was warm and sticky (and no kids, not in the nice way), typical summer weather for Vermont. As we sat—our thighs adhered to the vinyl bench seats in the abnormally frigid restaurant—I was nearly ejected from the table when someone suggested a pitcher of soda and I said that was fine with me, but that I would just have a glass of milk.

"Milk?" a friend asked, her face puckered with disgust.

"Why?" said another, also not bothering to hide his revulsion at my beverage choice.

"I don't know. We never had it when I was a kid and now, I just don't like it."

"But milk? With pizza?" my friend repeated.

You would think that consuming some milk involved wheeling a Holtstein over to our table and sucking directly from the teat.

"Yes," I said, "if that's alright with everyone."

After murmurs of 'if you want/whatever/so disgusting' the waitress approached our table, pad in hand to take our orders. When she got to me and asked what I would like to drink, I replied, "Just a glass of non-fat milk."

"Milk?" she said with a hint of 'are you sure you want that you disgusting little boy' present in her voice.

My friends all burst out laughing. I turned beat red and uttered a quiet, "Yes, thank you."

"All right," she said which really meant, 'you asked for it ya creepy kid'.

What prompted this trip down memory lane, was a commercial that I just saw on television. Normally, I blast by the things as most stuff that I watch has been Tivo'd, but I had caught up with live TV and didn't have a choice. I still can't decide if it was funny or just upsetting.


The spot opens in the evening with an exterior shot of the Don Juan corner store.
















Cut to the interior where an Asian man (Don Juan? huh?) is standing behind a refrigerated case with two roast chickens and what appears to be a side of broccoli.

First of all, what kind of freak buys his chicken from a corner store? These are establishments known for cigarettes, snack food and sodapop, not fresh poultry. That, and someone should tell Don Juan behind the counter that he might want to consider really committing to this whole butcher thing and expand his offerings beyond the two, sad looking birds and limp vegetables in his deli case.



Our young, urban hipster is interested in purchasing one of the chickens and DJ indicates that he needs to choose.

So, Suave McGreenshirt bends over with his bottle of Pepsi to have a closer look...

And the chickens? They take notice.
















Each clad in a banana leaf mawashi, the battle begins.































*Saaa L A P* Take that bitch!


















Up against the glass, our guy is telling her to get back in there brandishing the prized bottle of PEPSI soda as incentive.
















Is anyone else here a little unnerved by the fact that a roast chicken is hugging a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi?

I know that I am.

















Tom Welling? Of the WB's Smallville? On my TV?













Okay, commercial's over. Back to my guilty pleasure. ; )